A Glimpse of Life

Christmas and love
Love and Christmas

A few years ago, just before Christmas — I still remember it clearly — about a week beforehand.
Our mothers shared the same birthday… Saturday!
The Christmas tree was up, the house was decorated and we'd already made plans for how we'd spend the holidays together.
My partner and our children, on holiday in Germany, celebrating Christmas with the family.
At least, that was the plan…

It was a Sunday. My partner hadn't come home, and yes, your mind starts racing. That afternoon I popped out to do some shopping, and when I got back, my partner was (thankfully) sitting on the sofa. You immediately get this feeling where everything wells up inside you and your imagination runs wild. Terrified of what I was about to hear.

"Coffee?" I asked, with a lump in my throat.
"Yes please," came the reply.
The tension at that moment was unbearable, and he looked as though he'd rather be anywhere else.
"Where were you?" I asked.
"Well, where do you think?" came out of his mouth.
A deathly silence fell. I bit my lip to stop myself from bursting into tears…
"Um, I have an idea."
My partner stayed very quiet, so I had to be the one to speak.
"Did you stay the night at your girlfriend's?"
He looked at me, and before he even answered, I could already feel it coming.
"Yes," was all he said.
"Did you sleep together?"
A stupid question on my part, but I needed to know.
Once again, the word "yes" came out of his mouth.
I can tell you, in that moment my world stood still. Not knowing how to feel, and certainly not knowing how to react.
"BASTARD" flew out of my mouth.
Trust — gone. Everything — gone.
Tears streamed down my cheeks, and to make matters worse, he started laughing at me.
I was so furious with rage that something inside me snapped.
"GET OUT" I screamed.
I quickly packed his bags and off he went…
And that, right before Christmas, was the first thought that came to mind…
The children, my family, Christmas — what now?
The entire Christmas feeling was gone…
No love for me, as if I'd fallen into some kind of melancholic fog.
Of course I know much better now, but back then — in that moment — I was completely lost.
The stress was tearing through my body; it felt like a disaster.
The same went for our two children (thankfully they were already adults by then).
Still, I kept thinking to myself: why now, of all times?

Though I also know there's never a good time for something like this. Christmas, Easter, Whitsun — it's always a shock.

After a few days of silence, there was actually some "traffic" again via WhatsApp.
"I wanted to give you some space. It might be harsh, but right now it's probably for the best," his message read.
What could I do with that message? Absolutely nothing.
I didn't know what to say, still shattered by everything that had happened.
Not long after, he called me.
"I'll come to Germany after all."
"Excuse me?" was my first reaction.
"How do you see that working?" was my follow-up.
"Well, we'll just pretend nothing's wrong. Act normal," he told me.
In other words, we were going to put on a performance.
Thankfully, there was always an enormous amount of love and understanding from the children and from family (I'd already shared some of what had happened).

The days we spent there were, of course, uncomfortable.
I shared a room with our youngest daughter, our eldest slept with her cousin, and my "partner" slept alone.
Questions came from my nephew and niece:
"Why are you sleeping in separate rooms?"
"I snore and he can't stand it," was my answer.
Thankfully they believed my lie, and that's exactly how it felt… one big lie.
You want to shield young children — especially at Christmas — from the hurt. You don't want to burst the "love bubble."
The story wasn't over, of course, because the nights in that holiday house became too much for me. The sleeplessness, the restlessness, all of it.
Every day he'd call his girlfriend several times. He kept her updated on how he was spending the days with us. I could constantly hear that phone ringing.

Christmas, for me, was nothing like it should have been. No festive feeling, only sadness that overshadowed everything.
Now, a story like this is supposed to have a happy ending, because that's how it usually goes… right?

Fortunately, now — two years later — I can say that I see life in a completely different way.
Knowing that it had to happen, knowing I had no control over any of it. All of this to gain a different perspective on the bigger picture.
Looking back on everything, I think deep down I already knew it was over, that the love was no longer as deep as it once was.
The decision to get a divorce came a few months later.
My "partner," on the other hand, would have preferred to stay together.

Things had gone too far, and sometimes you lose sight of your own boundaries, forgetting where they even are.
I lost myself by constantly pushing a little further, wondering where my limit was.
Well, now I know.
Crystal clear.
Bitter? Absolutely not.
Happy? Yes!
The realisation that love can come into my life again.

In love?